A recent satirical article published in The Tug entitled “Steven Ruins Vibe at Vital Design” erroneously asserts that the cultural vibe at our growing digital marketing agency died earlier this week at the hands of a recent college graduate named Steven Buzzell.
The online piece not only includes several fictitious falsehoods, but it also goes on to question whether our digital agency will ever recover from Mr. Buzzell’s toxic influence. We’re flattered. Just when we thought our inclusion on the Inc. 5000 list of Fastest-Growing Companies in America would be the pinnacle of our year, here we find ourselves as the latest subject of Portsmouth’s hottest new news source.
But while it is truly an honor to be included on a site with such other journalistic gems as “The Goddamn Bridge is Still Up” and “Actors in Play Praise Play They’re In” — we felt the need to set the record straight on a few things:
Steven Buzzell is not a real employee at Vital — if he was we would surely call him Stevo or Buzzy.
Bud Light Lime is delicious — especially on hot summer days.
We don’t have cubicles — cubicles are for squares.
We’ve considered starting a bowling team — stttttrrriiikeeee!
The vibe at Vital is very much alive — duh!
Upon hearing reports of another fictitious Vital employee, longtime imaginary intern Vitale Designo called an emergency press conference and issued the following statement:
“This is a bunch of Bubble Dump! Everyone knows I’m the only real fictional employee at Vital,” said Designo, while sitting in an orange Yogibo drinking a Smuttynose beer reading an old copy of The Wire. “I assure you the vibe at Vital is alive and well.”
Designo also offered a piece of advice to the “anonymous” writers of the satirical article this post is in response to:
“They say ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ but I think all of us Ports-mouthsonians know what can happen when you get caught in the current and you’re not prepared…you sink.”